Processing emotions is essential for our mental, emotional and physical well-being.

Unfortunately, we cannot eliminate difficult emotions, but the good news is that we can understand and manage them in a healthy way.

Our emotions express strong feelings we have around people, places, things or situations. Sometimes they are stronger than others and can also trigger a physical and behavioural reaction.

Examples of basic emotions are happiness, sadness, fear, disgust, anger, surprise, pride, shame, guilt, embarrassment and excitement.

Some emotions are easier to deal with than others. Generally speaking, we don’t like to experience sadness, fear, anger, shame, guilt or embarrassment and prefer to hide those under the carpet.

Trying to avoid feeling difficult emotions doesn’t serve us however, because by doing so we ignore the root causes of our triggers. When we deny emotions, we are ignoring their subconscious roots which are very much alive and continue to play a big role in our lives. These subconscious roots run the show in the background without us being aware of it, resulting often in sudden outbursts of emotion which take us by surprise. If we do not reveal and face these root causes, they will hold us captive for the rest of our life.

You need to know that each emotional release comes in its own way.

The art is to let it happen in a controlled way, so you don’t hurt anyone. For example, if you let go of your anger or rage without control, it can physically or emotionally impact someone else.

• When processing intense emotions, sometimes we need to sit with them and sob until there are no more tears left to shed, or let the anger or fear wash through us and ride the wave until the emotion has subsided. It is what it is, just let the energy be released.
• In other situations, these difficult emotions have a somewhat lighter effect on us and then the art is to:

1. observe them, and
2. continue doing what you are doing (unless you are in a dangerous situation of course, such as traffic or using sharp tools, then stay fully focused on what you are doing).

In this case it is almost as if you are creating two of you: a) the witness and b) the you that lives daily life.

It is as if you use two tracks of a railway simultaneously. One track for the emotions, and the other one for the witnessing Compassionate Adult you.

Let me explain this further.

1) Step back, sit still, take time out
This step is the most difficult one, as part of you will try hard to avoid facing that which you have hidden so well under your emotion. Be brave and do not numb yourself with food, rush into a job that can wait or indulge in any other avoidance tactic.

•  This is an excellent opportunity to heal and to get to know yourself better.
•  Understanding your emotions is understanding yourself.

2) Take on the role of the Witness
Try to detach from the emotion – practice makes perfect.
In other words: witness your emotion as if you were a fly on the wall, with curiosity.
What are you experiencing? Fear, grief, anger, rage or something else?

3) You are not your emotion
Even though it might frequently feel so, you are not your emotion.
Remind yourself that you are experiencing an emotion.
This will pass, like a rain shower does.

4) Emotions are nothing but energy
Emotions are energy releases, waves of old encapsulated energy on their way out, caused by an external trigger.

• Experiencing fear can feel quite overwhelming. In this case, remind yourself: this is only energy on its way out, fear cannot destroy you.

5) What was the external trigger?
Look, in your role as Witness, at your emotion and ask yourself what triggered it.
Is it something that happened or was said? Was it a certain behaviour, a certain person?

6) Why does this cause an emotion in me?
Investigate with curiosity and detachment why you were sensitive to this event, person or words in particular. Ask yourself: ‘Which deep, inner subconscious pain was touched here?’

• This can be a former experience of e.g. abandonment, rejection, injustice, betrayal or unworthiness.
• Unprocessed, ingrained, painful early childhood experiences are excellent sources of triggers.
• Be aware that anger is often a defence mechanism to avoid feeling old, deeply hidden away sadness or fear. Investigate what lies beyond your anger.

7) Take on the role of the Compassionate Adult
As you continue to witness all of this, take on the role of the Compassionate Adult.
It is as if you are using two train tracks simultaneously. One track for the emotion, and the other for the witnessing Compassionate Adult you.

Take time to re-experience the former painful experience, which is the underlying cause that triggered your difficult emotion. Continue to calmly witness and comfort the younger, hurt you from the perspective of the Compassionate Adult.

8) Allow waves to rise
Re-experiencing old pain might come in waves, such as waves of anger, grief or disillusion. Be patient, allow them to rise and fall until these releases of energy die out by themselves.

• Re-experiencing such waves can be intense and seem to be going on forever, but in reality, the total process often doesn’t take longer than 10 to 20 minutes.

9) Congratulate yourself
Be proud of yourself! Congratulate yourself on having had the courage to face and release this deeply hidden pain.

Now you can probably clearly see that your difficult emotion had nothing to do with the actual event, person or words that triggered you. Instead, the event, person or words directed you to a deep unresolved inner pain that was waiting to be released and understood. You are amazing and have healed a part of you today!

10) Journal your release
Journalling your release is important.

Journaling can be simple and short, just a few important bullet points or lengthier if that is what feels good. In both cases these notes are important for you to reflect and see the journey you have been on and how you are developing. They are also there to help you see yourself, to train your self- awareness and consciousness around what is happening in your life. As you write about your emotions and their release, more limiting energy dissolves from your system and you become free of them.

• Your writing is not about over-analysing yourself but about witnessing and recognising the energies that were within you and how they felt.

If the hidden pain that was unveiled by the trigger is a severe wounding, it might well be triggered again. Just follow the same procedure again and each time it will be less. Little by little you will be able to take on the role of the witnessing Compassionate Adult in similar, potentially triggering situations until you are no longer triggered at all.

Processing difficult emotions is an ongoing journey, and it takes time to work through them. Never give up as practise makes perfect and you deserve to be free. This is how you mature your personality.

Understanding your emotions is learning to understand yourself.

Do you have questions or concerns? Do not hesitate and contact me here.

Let me share an example of how my own wounded inner child was triggered and how I calmed myself by comforting her.

Whilst at my mother’s, her friend came by to have a cup of tea. She started talking from the moment she set foot in the door. Instead of tuning in to how we were and giving us any attention whatsoever, she immediately ‘threw’ information at us: where she had been in the past week, which visits she intended making next week, who had died and her opinion of other people. Once seated, her stream of words did not allow us to speak either, unless she asked one of us a question. And even then, once we had answered there was no response, she immediately changed the subject and talked about herself again.

This 79-year-old woman talked solidly during her two hours visit and I found myself incapable of changing her egocentric behaviour. I remained polite, but struggled to stay calm, feeling increasingly annoyed. My body started to become rigid, my muscles froze. Once she was gone, I exploded in a combination of rage and helpless despair. My mother couldn’t understand my reaction at all. She had enjoyed the visit. I went home to heal.

It was only after three hours of inner turmoil and utter despair at not knowing how to calm myself, that it dawned on me that I was overreacting. I recognised it as a sign of inner unresolved pain and realised that my wounded child was triggered. Of course!

My mother has never been good at listening, much better at talking about herself. By accepting that she was emotionally unavailable and incapable of connecting, and by developing compassion for her own narcissistic upbringing, I have been able to still bring myself to visit her. The intensity of my mother’s friend’s self-centred talking however, brought a deeper, unresolved level of my childhood wounding to the surface; the pain of not being seen, honoured or ‘celebrated’.

Once I understood this, I sat down, took time out, connected with my devastated inner child and comforted her, which brought her to calmness. As a result, my body soon started to defrost, and I felt more myself again. Phew.

The following is an example of living daily life as usual, whilst witnessing your emotions and holding space to feel what you need to feel. It is as if you are using two railway tracks simultaneously. One track for the emotions, and the other for daily life and the Compassionate Adult you.

After a refreshing one-hour windy walk on the top of a dike, I was strongly guided to enter a restaurant and order a full meal. It was 2:30pm, I had not eaten since breakfast at 9:30am and it felt like I needed to be taken care of instead of preparing a meal myself.

I ordered a dish and whilst I was waiting, I felt my energy system being prepared for the online Womb Meditation that I was offering that evening. I was guided to sit with my legs more open than they were, with my sit bones further apart. I read a bit in a magazine and then my food was delivered to my table.

As I was eating, tears suddenly started running down my cheeks. The walking had obviously opened my groin area and by sitting wide-legged, sad child memories had started to emerge from the tissues in my pelvic floor.

Part of me took on the role of the Compassionate Adult and I continued to eat. More memories continued to show up on their way out, and each one brought more tears. They came in gentle waves. I let them slowly run, relieved that I did not need to sob in public.

It was clear to me that my pelvic area needed some cleansing in order to offer the Womb Meditation.

Suddenly the lady who had served me came to my table to ask how the food was. It was great and I witnessed myself looking up at her with a big smile on my face and a thumbs up saying ‘Fantastic, just what I needed’, whilst my cheeks were wet and my tears still flowing. An awkward situation really.

She noticed my tears but respected my space and left. She probably had all sorts of interpretations, like maybe my relationship had just fallen apart and that was why I was eating on my own, but it doesn’t matter. Her thoughts are part of her journey. My tears are part of mine.

I found the situation quite hilarious, and it made me laugh all through my drive home.

May all the above be of help to you on your healing journey.

With all my love,
Harriët Kroon